The University of the Self #82

Birdsong, Botany and Betterness Part 12

Birdsong, Botany and Betterness Part 12
This article is a continuation of part 11, which can be found here.

Image description: this is a watercolour painting of a male Small White Butterfly. The butterfly is facing upwards to the right. It has two sets of wings on each side, which are white with grey shading representing the wing veins. On the top set of wings, there is a small grey spot, and the corner is coloured grey. The butterfly’s body is fluffy grey/brown, and he has two grey antenna and two legs visible. The background is a green wash.

Image description: a page from a notebook - the page is dyed and is cream with brown splotches on it. Written in black ink are lists of birds and some notes - these birds and notes are listed below.

…of white butterflies and Dandelion seeds. Oh. I hear the chicks – the only one whose child has left them is me. A very green-spicy smell on the air. Little Ringed Plover (possible?). I wish I could find someone or something that could give me the trick to dwindle without resentment. Dwindle-mother, dwindle-human, dwindle-woman, dwindle-poet, dwindle-write – Dwindlehope – secret, distant worshipper of Prue Sarn (I wrote this because I think about Prue Sarn all the time, and that incredible book, and I thought Dwindlehope would be my character’s name when I imagine myself as Prue’s friend).

Barn Swallow, Great Tit, European Starling, Eurasian Jackdaw, Eurasian Blue Tit.

I rarely mention my son – if I do, I risk descending to a pit of doom I shan’t be able to climb back out from.

“Those times seem far off now, a great way, as things we did when children.
I wish we were children now— I wish we were always children, how to grow up
I don’t know…” (Emily Dickinson, letter written in 1853)

Goldfinches most bubbly this evening. Thistles are bursting into fluff – I once wrote a poem called ‘Thistlecrack’ that I barely remember – a distant memory, a poem from a different time of myself.

Common Chiffchaff, Common Redstart (first time for this one but call was coming loud and clear), Eurasian Skylark. Sky filled with feeding House Martins.

Neighbours chattering the other way. I am jumpy tonight and feel as if I do not want to be seen. Do not have the energy or desire for conversation – I fear I must go in soon. 19.14 p.m.

Frightened the Pheasant family. (I wrote this to remind myself to write about a moment on my friend’s farm, which I visited later that day. As I walked in the long meadow grass, I accidentally disturbed a hen and her numerous half-grown chicks, who all flew away into the air).

19^th July, 8.20 a.m. Back. Cool, misty rain, landscape obscured by silver fog.

Common Chiffchaff, Common Wood Pigeon. Chicks in the nest cheeping loudly. Eurasian Wren, Eurasian Skylark. I slept so well. How incredible it felt to sleep!

Western House Martin, Common Redstart, House Sparrow, Carrion Crow, Rook, Wood Duck (some misidentification of the Mallard I think), European Robin.

Chicory is continuing to appear, its delicate stems hoisting the iridescent blue blooms far above the other growth.

Eurasian Jackdaw, Ring-necked Pheasant, Eurasian Tree Sparrow, Eurasian Blackbird, European Goldfinch.

I wonder if it is possible for a human to see in bee colours? Why would some of the flowers seem so strangely, wonderfully bright?

Eurasian Blue Tit, European Starling, Sedge Warbler, Eurasian Linnet, Meadow Pipit, Common Chaffinch, Great Tit. 9.30 a.m.

I managed some good work today – a day of such welcome rain and coolness. My son came for a brief visit. I glued and…

Image description: A watercolour painting of a Hollyhock flower - the flower is not fully open - it has emerged from the bud and is still folded into two pieces, a little like a skirt. The petals are pink - darker pink near the bud and lighter pink at the ends, with veining on the petals. The bud is a split oval with three triangle points where it opens - the bud is green and brown with white hairs. Behid are loosely skeyched green leaves and green stems.

Image description: a page from a notebook - the page is dyed and is cream with brown splotches on it. Written in black ink are lists of birds and some notes - these birds and notes are listed below.

…sewed paper into a patchwork. Today I found my epitaph.

(The epitaph to which I refer was found in the book I am reading – Letters of Emily Dickinson, edited by Mabel Loomis Todd, and it is from a letter Emily wrote in 1851:

“We cherish all the past, we glide a-down the present, awake yet dreaming; but the future of ours together—there the bird sings loudest, and the sun always shines there…”

Whenever I think of this, it comforts me. When I first read it, I cried. An afterlife in which the birds sang would be the closest thing to a home from home for a lost soul. It did not make me sad – it made me happy, calm and hopeful. Perhaps this makes sense and perhaps it does not. . I also thought about this line from Blame the Tokarahis by Janet Frame:

“I want my death to stay in the distant paddocks shining in the sun
all day till night.”)

20^th July, 6.11 a.m. Front. Silver-misty, quite cool, not raining right now but everything soaked by rain. Birds, my son slept over! How lonely and pathetic can a mother sound? What do we do with our dedicated years of care? No restart button for me – no moving on to another clutch.

Common Wood Pigeon, Goldcrest, Eurasian Wren, Eurasian Blue Tit, Great Tit, Coal Tit, , House Sparrow, Common Chiffchaff, Common Chaffinch, Eurasian Linnet, Eurasian Blackbird, European Goldfinch.

I am a little late out this morning again – I have bowel issues and lost time once again dealing with that.
Dunnock. Fennel (Bronze) and Achillea (sp?) ((Achillea filipendulina or Cloth of Gold)) not growing as well as last year – Jasmine becoming too overwhelming, overshadowing. Very still, no breeze.

European Robin, Long-tailed Tit. The sharp outline of a Gull flying over. Distant Carrion Crows, sound as if they are down by the river – enjoying a morning swim perhaps?

Eurasian Tree Sparrow, Eurasian Treecreeper – did I already mention the first time I saw a Treecreeper?

(If I didn’t, then allow me to relate it now. It was a couple of years ago – I could hear an unusual, very high-pitched bird call and after a few minutes of intent concentration, , I located the sound in the Silver Birch tree next door. I focused my attention on the tree and after a while I noticed what appeared to be a teeny little mouse-like creature swirling fast around the trunk and branches in an upward spiral, which I have now learned is their particular way of moving. They only climb upwards, picking off insects. When they reach the top, they fly back down and begin their spiral again. It wasn’t a mouse – it was a Treecreeper and I was mesmerised.)

Bank Swallow. With many apologies to the sunworshippers – but I hope it stays cool again today, so the heat will not drain my small energy – I so want to feel useful today and want to get more work done.

Three Eurasian Magpies flew over making craaaa sounds. The app did not detect them but I did. I have become part app. 6.34 a.m.

Image description: My watercolour painting of a Treecreeper. On white textured paper, I have painted a small bird, climbing upwards on a small section of tree trunk. The tree trunk is shaded with various shades of brown. The bird has a curved grey/black beak and a black eye. Its feathers are light cream on the underchin and belly and a mixture of light to dark browns above. One little clawed foot clings to the tree bark. There is a small amount of green wash in the background.

7.39 a.m. Back. Mist still lying low over everything. Becoming much warmer, high haloed disk of sun trying to break through.

Eurasian Jackdaw, Rook, Eurasian Blue Tit, Common Wood Pigeon, Carrion Crow, Eurasian Wren, Eurasian Skylark. Three Gulls flying east. Three more larger Gulls flying over, south east. Eurasian Blackbird, Eurasian Oystercatcher.
Nettles filled with masses of black caterpillars again – butterfly fruit.
Great Tit, European Greenfinch. Distant Gull-song. Eurasian Magpie, Common Chaffinch.
Nestlings still with us. Barn Swallow.
Absolutely exquisite pale white, almost transparent ghost mushroom/fungus – wasn’t here yesterday – just noticed it 8.08 a.m. Its head appears to be made from swansdown (it was a Hare’s Foot Inkcap – what a splendid name! Watercolour sketches to follow in the next article, as I am still working on them).
Ring-necked Pheasant.
Must get myself together and shower.

21^st July, 8.07 a.m. Back. Damp + quite cool, mist clearing, looks like it might be a hot day. Blue sky behind the grey cloud.

Carrion Crow – one of them is spectacularly gravel-voiced, Common Chiffchaff, Eurasian Wren, European Goldfinch.
Many of the wildflowers/wildplants are going to seed now, and the field looks as if it is speckled with freshly ground black pepper.
Common Redstart, Eurasian Collared Dove.

Slow day for me I fear – not much sleep yet couldn’t get up – body filled with unpleasant thick soup. Arm and shoulder in agony. I must always pay a high price for my visits to my friend’s farm. I must help her – she is completely on her own and though I only manage a little Ragwort gathering it is a great help to her. We both have our frailties and take our time, rest as much as possible between. It must be done to protect the horses. We looked for the huge clutch of Pheasant eggs but they are all gone – hopefully hatched and thriving, not gobbled up by crow, cat or fox (though these creatures need to eat too and I mustn’t anthropomorphise).

Cetti’s Warbler (again, not sure of the possibility of this one). Ghost fungus has gone. A one-day bloom? Eaten? Knocked down by nightly creatures? Eurasian Skylark, Common Wood Pigeon, European Greenfinch.

So peaceful. I am not bothered by the aeroplane flying over – I am comforted in an odd way by its steady vanishing – I do not hanker after it, do not wish to be aboard. Curious how much happiness can be found in the same small area – amazing how every moment here is unique. Snowflake moments.

8.27 a.m. sun has really come through – going to be too hot for me today, I fear. I’m a glacier girl, a snow maiden…

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