The University of the Self #37

Continued thoughts on the Theory of Myselfism

This post is intended as a follow-on from the last post, #36, here, where I first mentioned using creative research to develop my Theory of Myselfism, which has been crucial in helping me further along my journey into self-knowledge, into understanding a little more who I am, who I might be.

You might think that all of this has nothing to do with place writing. Not so! The original idea for all of the following arose from considering our first ever ‘home’, our first known location. These place-based diagrams lead to me to writing about another place I spent some time in. Therefore, place let to place. I really do believe that place is connected to everything about us, in both our internal and external landscapes.

i Gamete Digression

Let your research be organic. You were not built by machine,
so your creative practice will meander, digress and hop
from fascinating point to fascinating point, often with no clearly
designated road of logic between. Think more frog, you tell yourself –
take your own time, choose your own path and make whatever
leap feels right at the time. Be guided by instinct, not expectations.
Ask yourself unconfortable questions. Talk to yourself. Be brave.
Just as a child would, peep underneath the stones – open doors
marked DO NOT ENTER. And most importantly maybe,
try not to worry what other people might think about the work
that you do. It’s OK to do something just for you.

So, how on Earth did you begin? Did you begin as the proverbial ‘twinkle
in somebody’s eye? Was your beginning locked into the genes of your anscestors —
did you exist through the centuries inside the ovaries of all these other beings?
I did a bit of reading and found this explanation:

”What if I tell you that you and I were made by our mothers when they were in
their grandmothers' wombs…as all the eggs a woman [or person] will ever carry
in her [or their] ovaries are formed when she's [or they’re] a four-month-old baby.
So each one of us spent about five months of our life in our grandmothers' wombs…
So if you'd like to calculate the antique of your egg, then you could take your mum's
date of birth and subtract by 20 weeks.” (Dr Anvesha Mahendra, in this Leeds University article here)

If you are reading this right, does it mean that you are actually over seventy years old?
That’s a pretty mind-bending thought. And someone owes me a lot of birthday parties.

Can we use this method to trace ourselves right back to the Big Bang? Are you
actually millions of years old? Sometimes, on bad days, it feels as if you are.
You wonder if evolution must be a little disappointed that, after passing through
these multiple, multiple millennias of development, they have only managed
to produce you. It’s a lot of responsibility to bear. No wonder you spent so much
of your childhood hiding in small spaces. Where are your superpowers? Unless overthinking actually is a superpower. If so, can you swap? You’d rather be able to fly.

You like to imagine yourself as an egg. How much of you was already set in stone?
You made a diagram, to help you understand.

Image description: A black pen sketch of a close-up of an human egg. It looks like many smaller circles around other larger circles. It is labelled with lots of words, which I will write out below.

In case my scribbles writing isn’t clear, I will write down all the words on the diragram here.

Myselfism as Gamete as Nidation as Nidus as Nest
(a reproductive cell) (the process where a fertilized egg is implanted in the uterus)
(a place where something develops) (a place where creatures can shelter)

YOU before man before sperm

Follicle Cells: You make me think of hair of growing grass — of hay
Nucleus: This is the secret of you Here is beginning
Corona Radiata: They crown you. You are coronated. Queen of your own world
Cumulus Oophorus: They are your cushion. Your bubble. Cumulus is also
a cloud. Here, you wore a cloud, you wore the sky. You were born flying. You were made a bird. When did you have to leave the sky?
Cytoplasm (water, protein and salt): Salt — that most beloved poet’s word
This is you in suspension. There is synthesis — synthesis will be with you always.
Plasma Membrane: This will protect you from the outside It kept the idea
of you safe. This wall decides what comes in and what goes out. When did it let my autism in? Did it let my autism in? This was your first environment —

could you have been perfect here?
Was this the only time you were safe?

Zona Pellucida (pellucid Zone): Remember ‘pellucid’ is often on poetry ‘banned words’ lists. Why? You are born with that word inside of you. That word helped make you.

You swin in clear waters.
You were born wild swimming.

ii Gamete Digression (Expansion)

You made another diagram, to connect these notions of self to how they might be applied to notions of writing.

Image description: A black and grey pen sketch of a close-up of an human egg. It looks like many smaller circles around other larger circles. It is labelled with lots of words, which I will write out below.

1. Nucleus: This is the poem’s beginning. This is the spark of your idea.

2. Cytoplasm: What do you think sparked this idea in your mind? How were you feeling when this idea came to you? What was the ‘environment’? Free-write around what you think made this idea come to you? This may take your idea in some unexpected directions.

3. Plasma Membrane: Do you feel as if there are any ‘barriers’ that might stop you writing about your idea? Write them down so you can begin to understand what they are.

4. Zona Pellucida: Have the ‘reasons’ for your idea become any clearer for you? Do you now know what you want to write about? Do you now know why you want to write about it?

5. Extra Zona Pellucida: Here is where you begin to extend your writing and open out your idea, begin to establish your theme/s.

6. Follicle Cell: Here you begin to grow your word choices, your image choices. Grow as many as you like. Now is the time for unchecked abandon and intuitive paths.

7. Corona Radiata: Stop. Assess your progress. How do you feel about your writing? How do you feel about the direction it has taken? How far have you moved from the initial nucleus?

8. Cumulus Oophorus: This is the time for self-care. Step away from your forming work. Consider how you feel about its progress. Be careful with yourself. Breathe. A poem’s momentum can be difficult to deny. Do not let it rush you before you are ready.
   

These diagrams are a helpful way to understand what it is you actually want to write about and why you really want to write about it. This is a way to consider the emotions around your idea, for in poetry, our emotions are always, in some way, steering us around the poem we wish to write. This is a way to place yourself / your voice into a poem or a piece of writing. Where are you? Who are you? How much of you actually belongs in this piece? Where are the lines drawn between the poem and you?


iii Gamete Digression (Towards Culmination)

Do not worry about appearing intelligible to anyone else. These diagrams are just for you and your own practise. You are learning at your own rate, in your own way. The Gamete Digression is another good way to write yourself away from an initial idea, whilst keeping hold of that elusive self that began this idea in the first place. It bolsters me to keep this quote from Jane Hirshfield in mind:

“Too much certainty and single-mindedness irritates as well as bores; the idea that one can know what is right, or that a general truth is possible, is an insult to the real.” (Hirshfield, Jane. Hiddeness, Uncertainty, Surprise: Three Generative Energies of Poetry. Bloodaxe Books, 2016. p.37)

You can make one of these for every idea you have. Or just one or two. Or not make them at all. It is entirely up to you. Here is one you made for a piece about a visit to the Lake District, which eventually became a lyric essay. Perhaps it is a poem in its own right? A visual poem? A textual / visual artwork?

Image description: A black pen sketch of a close-up of an human egg. It looks like many smaller circles around other larger circles. It is labelled with lots of words, which I will write out below.

I want to write about some Fells I saw in the Lake District

I hardly ever go anywhere. I feel as if I have been stationary for years. I stay in the same place. Yes, there is beauty around me. I stay becasue it is safe. I am limited physically, emotinally, financially.

Yet I crave the sight of something different. I look online at all the wonders of the world. I crave to see them but they seem unreachable. I found out about a coach trip to Grasmere and Keswick. Why not?

It was such a short day and in reality I saw so little. What I did see moved me intensely. The high point of the whole trip was beginning to see the Fells appear. I was filled with elation. I kept shouting ‘look! look!’ as if everyone on the bus would miss the view.

STONE HOUSES The Sunday School in Keswick built from rubble and slate. Cobble homes, purple quoins

FELL Blencathra Skiddaw Clough Head St John’s in the Vale Great Mell Fell
Highrigg

THIRLMERE GREY COLD SLATE COLOURED All I could think was ‘how small are we?’ Does a mountain show us up as what we really are? How I loved the sight of waterfalls

PATCHY GREY SHEEP BOULDERS SKY Helm Crag is the real name of the Lion & Lamb It’s a Wainwright Fell Rock, Scree. Rust and green colour

TEARS EMOTIONS GHYLL SPARKLING PURPLE GREEN I bought a book about The Rushbearing in Grasmere It was both sweet and sinister Grasmere was drowning in people We did not have enough time

RIVER ROTHAY ST OSWALD’S CHURCH GRASMERE I saw the Lion and the Lamb set like points of a crown The river was so clear and seemed deep I took a break from the crowd inside the church

HELVELLYN STRIDING EDGE + SWIRRAL EDGE In the distance, Sour Milk Ghyll I think of Dorothy Wordsworth seeing it too Alive, Electric, Humbling The age of everything

QUEUES GINGERBREAD One of the windows in the church attracted me more than the others It was sun and straw-coloured The writing on the windows was really beautiful

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